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rosemary007
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Name: rosemary
Birthday: 5/23/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: the light-of-my-lifeJesus Christ and the love of my heart dru, my sweet daughter, broadcast news, literature, lifechurch, poetry, music, cooking and baking, dark-chocolate-with-raspberry-filling, singing, my friends, italian food, sociology of religion, sign language, philosophy, the history channel, lip gloss, and of course---filling every spare waking moment with dru
Expertise: cults!
Occupation: student
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/11/2005
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| i have been following the news about the polygamist compound raid in eldorado city, texas. almost 150 children from 6 months to 17 years, along with 40 or so women, were taken from the compound by authorities over the last 72 hours. this after a 16 year old girl called authorities to report that she had been forced to marry a 50 year old man and have his baby when she was only 15. some of the children were deemed to be in immediate danger and have thus been placed in emergency foster care, but presumably most will be returned to their families.
and what happens to them?
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| Although my father was an alcoholic, my mother raised my siblings and I to be conscious of our need for Christ and our absolute despair without Him. But sometime after my father died drunk driving, when I was seven, my mom lost touch with her faith for a time and, as a family, we were not "active" Christians for many years. During that time, I yearned for the comfort of church life and the predictability of religion, but had little knowledge of repentance or the relationship with Christ that is central to true Christianity.
As a young teen, I became a part of a church that emphasizes outward deeds as an indicator of inward holiness. In other words, this church taught that I could earn my salvation by being "good enough" to deserve it-- through sinless living. I felt so much pressure to be good on my own, and although I played the part of the girl-who-has-it-all-together, my life was empty. And although I came across as a good, Christian girl, I was living a life of secret sin and hopelessness.
As I got older, I started to recognize hypocrisy among the leaders of my church. While they preached that it is possible to be sinless and perfect, they struggled daily with their own sinfulness. I knew that the same was true of myself. I was also imperfect, and no amount of Sunday School could fix the sinfulness of my heart. Christianity came to represent the futility of my own struggle with myself.
When I left that church, I also left the bondage of trying to be perfect on my own. Slowly, Christ revealed Himself to me in a way that I had never known as a "Christian." He comforted me when I was abandoned, He healed me when I was sick, and He loved me when no one else cared. I realized that Christianity is not about me. Its not about what I do or do not do. Its about Someone Else loving and caring and being "good enough" for to be saved. Its about Someone Else purchasing me through His goodness, not mine. Now I know that my relationship with Christ is what makes me holy in the eyes of God- not anything I do on my own. I know its still important to live a holy life, but that I can only do that by surrendering to Christ and letting Him live through me... not because of my own righteousness.
I am constantly learning more and more about Christ and His will for me. I am able to live without shame or fear that my sinful heart will be exposed- because now I know that Christ's blood covers my imperfections and that He will perfect me in time. It is not about my sin. It is about His sinlessness.
In my pride, I want to be a shining example for my family and friends. I want them to see my life and find no blame... indeed, I often find myself wishing they wanted to be like me. But I know, like Paul the Apostle, that I have not already attained blamelessness. Instead of my family and friends looking at me and seeing a righteous saint that they desire to emulate, I pray that they will look to me as a sinner saved by grace who merely points toward that hope which can only be found in Christ. I am, and always will be, merely an imperfect reflection of His perfection. But my recognition of my own failing is what makes me pliable. It is my weakness that makes Him strong. It is that I do not deserve Him that makes Him gracious.
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| merry christmas to all my faithful xanga friends. this year i can truly say that i am happier than i can ever remember having been. i hope the same is true for you.
i am in love with dru, with ruby, with life. things couldn't be better.
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| ruby is almost three months old now, and life is starting to get into a nice, predictable swing. we spend all our time together, minus the times here and there when i leave her with dru to run to the store or take a shower. its amazing watching her change and grow... but at the same time, there's something about watching a child grow that is extremely bittersweet. its like i've lost who she was as a newborn, a one-month-old, a two-month-old... i can only keep a limited number of memories of her then, in photos and in my mind, and everything else will be lost forever. for the rest of her life, she will constantly change and transform, like a little flower blossoming. clearly a flower becomes more and more beautiful as it blooms... but there's something so magical, so transfixing about a tiny bud that its almost sad to watch it break open.
yet... i can't wait to see who she will be as a toddler, a child, an adolescent, a teenager, and a woman.
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